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An Ordinary Widow
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An Ordinary Widow
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10/30/2023 0 Comments The Common Sense Model of GriefAs a new widow, you will have periods of time when the heartbreaking realization of what you have lost demands your undivided attention, interspersed with periods of time when you must confront and process all the ways in which your life has irreparably changed.
And sometimes you may need to plan an escape from all of it for a short time. Guess what? This seemingly natural and common way of dealing with loss has a fancy name: The Dual Process Model of Bereavement, which was proposed by psychologists Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut in 1999. In a previous post about the most well-known grief models of the past one hundred years, I wrote that the Dual Process Model was deserving of a separate blog post. Why? Two reasons: 1) my experience with studying grief theories and talking to fellow widows over the past decade has led me to believe that if it’s even possible to shoehorn “grief” into the confines of a “model,” this one makes sense; and 2) the updates Stroebe and Schut made in 2016 to their original Dual Process Model make even more sense. The language most experts use when discussing grief can be confusing, and perhaps slightly more so in this case. When they presented their original Dual Process Model in 1999, Stroebe and Schut wrote, “This model identifies two types of stressors: loss- and restoration-oriented, and a dynamic, regulatory coping process of oscillation, whereby the grieving individual at times confronts, at other times avoids, the different tasks of grieving.” So what does all that mean? Let’s break it down: “Loss-oriented activities” – This would include crying, ruminating about your life together, mourning your lost future together, yearning for your spouse or partner, fixating on the manner of death, experiencing the weight and pain of your sorrow, and all the other overwhelming emotional responses to your loss. “Restoration-oriented activities” – This would include secondary sources of stress and coping mechanisms. They use the example of “loneliness” as a secondary source of stress and “avoiding solitariness” as a coping mechanism. Thanks to the internet, these days we have the ability to connect with other widows online as a coping mechanism. Seeing a grief counselor is another restoration-oriented activity. Other examples of restoration-oriented activities might include ways of coping with the stressors of taking on new household roles or mastering the tasks your spouse or partner handled. A mother whose husband died may need to seek guidance (a “restoration-oriented” activity), for example, about ways to solo-parent her kids. “Oscillation” – This just means going back and forth between the two activities. Time spent on each can vary due to many factors. “Avoiding tasks of grieving” – This is when you just need to distract yourself from grief insofar as it’s possible. Maybe it’s watching a funny TV show or spending the day gardening. (In my case I plunged myself into the addictive abyss of genealogy research. Tracing my great-great grandparents’ journey from Kildare, Ireland, to America provided me with an entire day of no tears.) In the Death Studies article, Stroebe and Schut write about “the benefits of denial.” It should be noted that in the article, Stroebe and Schut also acknowledge the differences in grieving between genders and among different cultures. Not every grieving individual spends as much time on “loss-oriented” activities as they do on “restoration-oriented” activities. You may be reading this as a widow from a culture that focuses on getting on with life and not spending too much time on “loss-oriented” activities like crying and ruminating. This grief model takes that into account. In 2016, Stroebe and Schut published an article entitled, “Overload: A Missing Link in the Dual Process Model?” in which they conceded that years of research and study of their Dual Process Model had revealed a “major shortcoming.” They had not factored in “overload.” They defined the term “overload” as “the bereaved person’s perception of having more than s/he feels able to deal with—too much or too many activities, events, experiences and other stimuli.” While a griever still needs to attend to both loss and restoration activities, their updated Dual Process Model includes the importance of acknowledging that “stressors may accumulate in a way that is too much to manage.” A more in-depth examination of Stroebe and Schut’s new research regarding “overload” will be discussed in a future blog post. I ended my previous post about grief models and theories with the sentence, “We are all still learning.” The recent revisiting and updating of the Dual Process Model of grief by its proponents certainly represents the truth of that statement. One wonders, however, why it took nearly twenty years for the experts to acknowledge what us Ordinary Widows could have told them all along. We cry when we can, we try to figure out how to rebuild our lives, we occasionally escape from our pain, and we try not to drown in a sea of overwhelm. My one-sentence Grief Model. Hang in there, fellow widows. Copyright ©2023. S. Larkin/Seattle Widow Resources Sources: Stroebe, Margaret; Schut, Henk (1999). "The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement: Rationale and Description." Death Studies. 23 (3): 197–224. Stroebe, Margaret; Schut, Henk (2016). "Overload: A Missing Link in the Dual Process Model?" Omega: Journal of Death and Dying. 74 (1): 96-109.
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After my husband died, a widower shared that the Healing Center of Seattle had been helpful to him and urged me to call them. At that time all meetings were conducted in person in “the little house in the alley” in the Ravenna neighborhood, so I regularly drove more than an hour through rush-hour traffic just so I could be among people who understood what it was really like to lose a spouse. Thus this local 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization became one of the cornerstones that enabled me to rebuild my life.
The Healing Center was founded by a Seattle widow, Kath McCormack, more than twenty years ago. Since that time, the center has helped nearly eight thousand adults and children as they navigated their way through grief. Some of the things I appreciated about the meetings I attended were: 1) the atmosphere of respect and caring; 2) the way the facilitator ensured equal time for everyone to speak and kept the discussion flowing smoothly; 3) the reminders not to compare losses or give advice; and 4) the feelings of relief and restoration I came away with—enough to keep me going for a little while longer. Following Covid, a decision was made to move the Healing Center from Ravenna to a new location in Wedgewood. After conducting groups virtually for the past several years, the Healing Center is beginning to reintroduce certain in-person meetings while others remain virtual. In addition to the director, Sonja Whitaker, the center is staffed by three program therapists, one children’s therapist, two administrative/program staff, and a number of volunteers. Great care is taken to ensure that a grieving person receives support from the group that is best suited to their situation, based on age, type of loss, etc. The groups for widows include Early Loss (18 months or less), Transitions, Memory Keepers (age 60 and above), and Survivors of Suicide. For widows with children, there are different groups based on age. The Healing Center understands that children process grief differently, so in addition to providing a safe environment for kids to talk about their loss, activities such as art projects, games, etc., allow children to feel less alone in their grief. The Healing Center is a member of the National Alliance for Grieving Children. Like many nonprofits, the Healing Center relies on donations to keep the center open and to continue providing their vital services free of charge to our community. Its annual fundraiser, GATHER FOR GOOD: A NIGHT OF COMMUNITY FOR A CAUSE, will take place on OCTOBER 7TH at 6 p.m. at the Swedish Club. For more information about this important event or to learn more about grief support groups and schedules, click here or call 206.523.1206. Copyright © 2023 S. Larkin/Seattle Widow Resources As a new widow, you will likely soon be reading or hearing about various “theories and models” of grief. The most famous theory is “the five stages of grief,” which became embedded in the national psyche after Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was profiled in LIFE magazine and readers subsequently responded by making her just-published book, On Death and Dying, a bestseller in 1969.
Although Kubler-Ross’s theory may be the most widely known, it is just one of many theories the “experts” have put forth in the past one hundred-plus years. The intention of this post is not to overwhelm you with a laundry list of grief theories and their merits (or lack thereof). Rather, I want to give you a chronological framework that illustrates the trends that have taken place since Sigmund Freud started talking about “grief work” in 1917.
Early in your grief journey, you may be overwhelmed by all the people who are eager to share what they “know” about how grief works. As you can see, however, even the experts have never reached a consensus about the nature and course of grief. We are all still learning. Copyright ©2023 S. Larkin, SeattleWidowResources 8/21/2023 "Normal" Grief ResponsesWhen you become a widow, it goes without saying that suddenly nothing feels “normal.” The upheaval in your mind and body is indescribable. And unless you know other widows, it’s likely no one has prepared you for the wide range of emotions, thoughts, behaviors, or physical reactions you may be experiencing.
Somewhere along the line, if you attend workshops and classes, or if you read books or online articles about grief, you will run across the phrase, “normal grief.” But what does that mean? The truth is, not even those who have studied grief for decades can provide us with a complete list of what comprises “normal grief.” In their book, Handbook of Bereavement Theory, Research and Intervention, psychiatrists Stephen R. Shuchter and Sidney Zisook pointed out the wide variety of responses to grief, writing that “… attempts to limit its scope or demarcate its boundaries by arbitrarily defining normal grief are bound to fail.” Bearing in mind that “normal grief” cannot truly be defined, psychologists and psychiatrists seem to be in general agreement that there are many responses to grief that widows may experience, some of which are listed below.*
What an overwhelming list of possible responses to grief! Maybe some will apply to you, maybe some won’t, but it might be comforting to know that what is happening to you has also happened to many other widows. Obviously, this list is not exhaustive and does not even explore the important issue of grief’s far-ranging effects on the immune system. However, I hope that even this partial list of responses and reactions will be helpful to you if you are a new widow. What about a time frame for these responses? These days the experts are increasingly reluctant to provide a time frame for how long a widow might experience what they term “normal grief.” (According to psychiatrists Schucter and Zisook, it wasn’t all that long ago when it was believed grieving should take mere weeks or months.) If you have any concerns about the severity of the grief reactions you are experiencing or how they are affecting your ability to function, a licensed therapist can help you. You can also contact the Community Information Resource Line at 866.427.4747 (provided by Seattle-based Crisis Connections), call 988 for the national network of 24-hour crisis centers, or visit 988Lifeline.org. Sources: Stephen R. Schucter and Sidney Zisook, “The Course of Normal Grief.” In Handbook of Bereavement: Theory, Research and Intervention, edited by Margaret S. Stroebe, Wolfgang Stroebe, Robert O. Hansson. (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1997), 23-24 *Previously published in my book, Grief Country. Copyright ©2023 S. Larkin 8/21/2023 Why Add a Blog?I created SeattleWidowResources.com because when I found myself widowed in the Emerald City, I didn’t know where to turn for local resources and information. How do I find nearby grief support groups? What do I do with my husband’s unused meds? What documents do I need to find ASAP? The last thing I wanted to do during early grief was to spend time searching the internet and bouncing from website to website to find what I needed. It was obvious there was a wealth of information “out there” on various websites, but I wished more of it could be found in one place—and be locally focused.
In the three years since I created the website, the feedback I’ve received from those who have consulted it has been positive. However, it is still a “work in progress” as I continue to work towards my goal of providing easily accessible, free information to local widows. This new blog is another step toward that goal. Many posts will be based on what I have learned about grief theories and grief research since my own widowhood journey began in 2012. (I cite the research of academics whenever possible.) Some posts will be excerpts from books I’ve written. Other posts will highlight local resources and discuss aspects of navigating widowhood that are specific to Washington state. It will also contain information that simply doesn’t fit into the format of the current website pages. I hope this blog will be helpful to my fellow Ordinary Widows who have found themselves widowed in Seattle. Copyright ©2023 S. Larkin |
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