"Normal" Grief Responses

When you become a widow, it goes without saying that suddenly nothing feels “normal.” The upheaval in your mind and body is indescribable. And unless you know other widows, it’s likely no one has prepared you for the wide range of emotions, thoughts, behaviors, or physical reactions you may be experiencing.

Somewhere along the line, if you attend workshops and classes, or if you read books or online articles about grief, you will run across the phrase, “normal grief.”

But what does that mean?

The truth is, not even those who have studied grief for decades can provide us with a complete list of what comprises “normal grief.” In their book, Handbook of Bereavement Theory, Research and Intervention, psychiatrists Stephen R. Shuchter and Sidney Zisook pointed out the wide variety of responses to grief, writing that “… attempts to limit its scope or demarcate its boundaries by arbitrarily defining normal grief are bound to fail.”

Bearing in mind that “normal grief” cannot truly be defined, psychologists and psychiatrists seem to be in general agreement that there are many responses to grief that widows may experience, some of which are listed below.*

• Shock
• Numbness
• Disbelief
• Sadness
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Guilt
• Irritability

• A sense of unreality
• Anger
• Self-reproach
• Fear
• Hysteria
• Helplessness
• Vulnerability
• Loneliness
• Relief
• Mood swings
• Feelings of being crazy
• Absent-mindedness
• Insomnia
• Change in appetite
• Social withdrawal
• Restlessness
• Crying
• Sighing
• Dreaming about, seeing, or hearing the deceased person
• Hallucinations
• Longing or yearning for the deceased
• Inability to focus or make decisions
• Confusion
• Loss of interest in life
• Oversensitivity
• Tightness in chest and throat
• Dizziness
• Headaches
• Weakness
• Fatigue
• Stomach upset
• Pounding heart
• Isolation from or, conversely, overdependence on others
• Self-absorption
• Searching for meaning
• Questioning spiritual beliefs, values, and priorities

 
What an overwhelming list of possible responses to grief! Maybe some will apply to you, maybe some won’t, but it might be comforting to know that what is happening to you has also happened to many other widows.

Obviously, this list is not exhaustive and does not even explore the important issue of grief’s far-ranging effects on the immune system. However, I hope that even this partial list of responses and reactions will be helpful to you if you are a new widow.

What about a time frame for these responses? These days the experts are increasingly reluctant to provide a time frame for how long a widow might experience what they term “normal grief.” (According to psychiatrists Schucter and Zisook, it wasn’t all that long ago when it was believed grieving should take mere weeks or months.)

If you have any concerns about the severity of the grief reactions you are experiencing or how they are affecting your ability to function, a licensed therapist can help you. You can also contact the Community Information Resource Line at 866.427.4747 (provided by Seattle-based Crisis Connections), call 988 for the national network of 24-hour crisis centers, or visit 988Lifeline.org.

Sources:
Stephen R. Schucter and Sidney Zisook, “The Course of Normal Grief.” In Handbook of Bereavement: Theory, Research and Intervention, edited by Margaret S. Stroebe, Wolfgang Stroebe, Robert O. Hansson. (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1997), 23-24

*Previously published in my book, Grief Country.
Copyright ©2023 S. Larkin